


growing pains

by canonically_soulmates



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:20:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21575155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canonically_soulmates/pseuds/canonically_soulmates
Summary: This is an exploration of Simon's developing sexuality with very little out-of-canon stuff.It starts before the book/movie but catches up pretty quickly.It deals with coming to terms with his own homosexuality but there is no internalized homophobia or anything triggering in general.Didn't tag for underage because it's just Simon thinking and masturbating, but let me know if I should've used the Underage Warning.
Relationships: Bram Greenfeld/Simon Spier, Cal Price/Simon Spier, Daniel Radcliffe/Simon Spier
Kudos: 37





	growing pains

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this a year ago so pls excuse any mistakes
> 
> also, there isn't much Bram/Simon action because of the nature of their first meeting but if you want to read about them Getting It On, I just posted a very smutty Bram/Simon fanfic so there's that.

First, it's just Harry. 

He is fictional and safe and Has Magic so it doesn't have to mean anything, really. Harry is kinda cute, too. Third year was a good year for him. Voldermort didn't even try to kill him. Also, his hair was really fluffy and messy (Simon lowkey stole this look if he's being honest). Simon is 10 years old at the time so his thoughts about Harry being cute and wanting to be his friend are ordinary. Daydreaming about being Cho Chang and have Harry obviously be in love with him and asking him to the Yule Ball but then going with Cedric and making Harry jealous probably should have been an indicator of his preference. 

But no, Simon realized it when he started thinking about Daniel Radcliffe instead. Probably because he knew very little about him, but still thought about him very often, pretty much all the time. There were some bad drawings of Dan playing guitar in Simon's math notebooks that Leah liked to tease him about. 

By the time that sixth movie came out, Simon's been thinking about what it would feel like to hold Harry's hand while walking through the Great Hall and then kissing him in from of everyone. That was also around the time his parents gave him the first of their Talks. Erections and wet dreams were now something he was getting familiar with and daniel Radcliffe was definitely there to help. 

After herbology with Gryffindors, Simon would walk towards his dorm and Harry would make up an excuse to join him. 

'I’m going to steal something warm from the kitchens. I’m hoping there’s some pie, could you watch out for me?' 

'Ummm..sure, but don't you think Ron would be a far better choice for any food-related crime?' Simon would fluster.

'Oh definitely but he is really bad at lying to Hermione so I guess it’s just you and me,' he grins so wide and Simons heart rate goes up; he feels weird knowing Harry’s friends but they are kinda famous after all these years. 

'I'm Simon by the way!'

'Oh, sorry, I’m Harry!' 

'I know who you are, duh' Simon tries to make it sound sarcastic but it sounds a bit awkward. 

Even for a wet dream their story never makes it past the initial 'hi my name is' phase because Simons dick doesn't really care about plot making sense and soon enough they are in some alcove, and Harry is pressing him slightly into the wall and Simon really likes the thought of Harry’s whole body against his and that alone usually gets him off.

Occasionally, Simon uses his pillow to imagine cuddling with Dan, but then feels kinda weird and empty afterwards. It makes him want more, and it makes him more aware of the fact that it's all just a fantasy and that he isn't really touching anyone and it makes him want to touch someone and that’s scary and new and uncomfortable.

He tries to force himself to think about someone else, someone real. His mind gives him an image of kissing with Nick and it shocks Simon into not having an erection anymore so he just goes to school that morning with a tiny guilty feeling that he had done something wrong, broke his friend’s trust somehow. It goes away immediately after Nick starts talking about his history homework and Simon doesn’t understand how Nick can be fascinated by George Washington this early in the morning. At lunch, Leah and Morgan come and sit at their table and Leah shows them her new yaoi fanart.

'It's really good wow, Leah' Simon says, and it is really good but Simon doesn't love it, per se. He finds it odd and slightly humiliating, as if Leah knows he thinks about kissing boys, too and it’s somehow invading his privacy. Which he knows is ridiculous because No One Knows and Leah is cool and nice and she loves him and it would be okay if she did. He is going to tell her, soon, he just has to make 100% sure that girls aren't his area of interest.

Simon tries to think about boys from school, but no one really inspires him like that. He thinks about this kid that was nice to him a few times, Simon thinks his name is Josh, but he doesn't find it completely satisfying. At least the guilty feeling isn't there when he thinks about someone he doesn't interact with on the daily. 

Eventually, he settles on thinking about faceless boys. That's the safest option, nothing to distract him or make him feel weird. 

Then this girl starts talking to him and Simon is trying to let her know that he doesn't really care at all about anything she ever said to him but it comes out more like 'hahaha nice that's so cool' and they end up in a relationship somehow. The entire school knows before Simon does. He doesn't really know what made it official. They hadn't kissed yet, they never even held hands. Simon doesn't even like the idea of it. He daydreams about her breaking up with him, in front of everyone and in really bad ways so they can't mysteriously get together again when he isn't looking. 

Simon had a plan to break up with her, but they didn't spend much time together anyway and it seemed really rude to break up with your girlfriend who you see for less than 10 minutes each day. But Simon sure as hell wasn't going to let her pressure him into making out with her in front of the gym on Valentine’s day during the school dance. He was simply going to hide from his problems in the boy’s bathroom until everyone has gone home and his girlfriend hated him. That should effectively break them up. 

There were girls after her too, Rachel and later Anna and then Carys, and they were all nice, for 13-year-olds. At least they never made the whole school think they were in a relationship with him. Simon even made out with them. Kissing them wasn't terrible, but it was tolerable at best, and Simon just knew it would be different with boys, it would be more and infinitely better. Just thinking about it made him feel the way kissing any of them never could. 

So once he started high school and the peer pressure of having to let girls hold his hand and kiss him and pretend to be in a relationship went away, he never considered being with a girl ever again.

Simon was very aware of the fact that he was closeted. He didn't think about it much, as starting high school was hard enough without having to feel like you're hiding something all of the time simply because you're not making sure everyone knows you like boys. It doesn't make any difference anyway, or at least it shouldn't. 

It was all very logical and he knew taking time is okay but sometimes it would make him feel so shitty so suddenly. And often it would be at random times like when he's just sitting in the bleachers after school waiting for Nick to finish practice so they can go to Waffle House and then home together, like always and he would watch the players and never really cared about the game. And it would be a perfect, peaceful evening, some of the boys on the field were kinda nice to look at and Simon definitely liked cute, shy Bram. He never let it turn into a full-blown crush, but he knew it would take so little: if Bram only smiled at him with his huge warm grin where his eyes light up like when he talks to Nick or Garret about something Simon probably knows nothing about or if he just said anything when Simon was around…

Nick has to shake Simon a bit to wake him up from this daydream when he comes back from the changing rooms and they walk to a Waffle House nearby. Nick talks about his crush on this smart cute sophomore girl and that's when Simon's stomach ties itself into a knot because he feels so much: how Nick is probably expecting him to talk about someone Simon crushes on and how Nick still thinks it would be a girl and how terrible it is to lie to your best friend and he feels like he is robbing them of this Classic Teen Experience and bonding moment because he is closeted and gay and he likes Nick's male friend because he is gay.  
It's a very intense spiral of anxiety but it fades away quickly, leaving him feeling punched in the gut and exhausted. After all, Nick's presence is friendly and comforting and unassuming, and he never runs out of things to talk about. 

Reading that Creek Secrets' post came as such a relief. Simon didn't think twice about starting the conversation, he just wanted to talk to someone who understood his situation.

When Blue turned out to be a great person and Simon found himself falling for him, it was really hard to care about anything else. Martin can suck a giant horse dick for all Simon cared, but if he had to give him some opportunities to be close to Abby so he could have some more time in this safe internet bubble with Blue, then so be it, it's not like there was any real danger of Abby actually falling for that obnoxious idiot. 

Thinking about kissing Blue felt completely different than Simon ever experienced before. Even though Simon didn't know who Blue was, he still felt more real than anyone else Simon ever thought of. Definitely more real then Daniel Radcliffe. Hotter too somehow and once Simon learned Blue was also thinking about him, it was all Simon could think about. Even when he wouldn't be actively trying to think about it, like when he was just eating lunch in the school cafeteria with Leah and Nick and Nick's soccer team friends, he would just suddenly have this image of Blue jerking off to him in his head and it would give him goosebumps. Sometimes he would catch cute Bram Greenfield looking at him, and Simon would smile at him but Bram would always look away so quickly.

Simon was so convinced it was Cal. In the back of his head, he knew that Cal casually outing himself as bi didn't quite sound like Blue. Besides, Blue always said he was gay. Blue was very closeted. Simon knew it didn't completely add up but his gut feeling was telling him it was cal nonetheless. Probably because he already knew Cal, and liked him a lot so he wanted him to be Blue. So for those few weeks, when he masturbated, Simon would think about Cal. Cal was cute and polite and artsy and they would look good together. Simon loved his eyes, but he was definitely thinking more about his lips. 

His go-to jerk off fantasy was set in the school theatre and Simon really didn't care how lazy that was, it was as realistic as it was going to get. It was Cal's place, his natural habitat almost, and Simon was familiar with it. The wardrobe room allowed some privacy and Simon thought about skipping class and kissing Cal there for hours. He loved the idea of going to the classes after the lunch break with puffy red lips and maybe even a hickey underneath his sweater. 

Sometimes Simon wondered if his fantasies are normal. He could usually come from just thinking about kissing and touching. And recently he realized thinking about sucking Blue off made him harder then anything ever has. Straddling Cal on his bed and kissing him and then slowly working his way down his body, unbuttoning his blue shirt and revealing his pale skin, kissing his belly. Simon would look up from his position in between Cal's legs to see how excited he was and possibly lick his lips suggestively and then unbuckle his belt and work his pants down. 

Getting cal naked while Simon was still fully clothed was extremely hot and Simon had to let go of his dick and cool off a little bit so he could make it last. When he took his dick in his hand again and started stroking slowly up and down thinking of taking Cal's dick in his mouth, tasting him and feeling the weight of it against his tongue and lips he came abruptly, a single wave going through his body, from his dick upwards, making him drowsy and ecstatic. He really hoped Nora couldn't hear his heavy breathing through the wall and made a mental note to put some music on the next time. 

Learning that Cal isn't Blue didn't exactly stop Simon from thinking about him. He had all these scenarios in his head already and they were working for him just fine and anyway, Blue didn't even want Simon to know who he is and Simon really needed the stress relief it was giving him. Especially since Blue stopped answering his email. It felt a bit like revenge jerkoff.

But soon enough, the fantasies stopped and realities began. 

He never thought he would be that lucky, but holy shit cute Bram is Blue and he likes Simon!!! And now Simon gets to kiss him and hold his hand and hold him, and his friends are fine with it and his parents love Bram and everything is better than he ever hoped for.


End file.
